If you read the last post, you can well imagine that there has been a certain amount of stress that has come with the decision to leave my marriage.
Until this past weekend, I had been refusing to look at my own stress. I was so busy worrying about the effects of my decision on everyone else around me – Trent, Chephren, my parents, my friends – that I went into complete denial that I was experiencing any stress of my own.
The wonderful thing about stress, and how it works in my body, is that it never stays in there for very long. Eventually, it bursts forth, screaming from my being like hot, flowing lava, blindly moving upwards and outwards, with nothing capable of standing in its way.
Saturday the volcano erupted.
Just thinking about it quickens my heart, my breath catches in my constricting throat.
It would’ve been bad if I had been alone. Like, oh sooo bad.
But I wasn’t alone. I was with someone who bore witness to this near-cataclysmic event.
And there was nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. My shadow-self was flowing from me, and just as the lava flows, it was unstoppable. Vulnerability really is as excruciating as you think it’s going to be.
And, much like a volcano, there were aftershocks after the initial blast. The shadow/stress in my body continued to erupt throughout Sunday. Leaving a trail of devastation and destruction in my life, because again, I wasn’t alone while this was happening. Oh no, my nearest and dearest were right there with me. Getting burned. What was burning me was in turn, burning them.
Monday morning rolled around. I awoke consumed with shame. A thicker cloak of shame than I have ever experienced in my entire life.
How was I going to face the world? How was I going to repair the damage that I had caused? How was I going to fix what I had broken? How was I supposed to continue on in this life I had created?
I didn’t know the answer. I just knew that I was going to.
My only other choice was to run. To abandon. And I knew that this wasn’t the choice that I would make. It didn’t even feel like an option.
So, I got out of bed and faced my fear. I got up and walked out into the world, consciously choosing to be fully accountable for my actions of the past two days.
And honestly? At first, it was hard. Like, really, really hard. But then, I remembered that it didn’t have to be that hard.
A wise person recently shared with me the idea that I could start my day over at any time. In other words I could hit the “reset” button.
Cool thing was, on Monday morning, as I was “facing the music”, I saw this button clearly in my mind’s eye. I literally saw this big red button, kind of like a snooze button but the opposite. I showed itself to me like an “awaken” button. As in, whenever you “fall asleep”, you can push the big red “awaken” button and wake yourself back up. You get to choose to come back to your knowing whenever you like. You get to return to the truth of your being.
So, the next time you temporarily go crazy, wreck everything, and consequentially make yourself and everyone around you feel like crap… (ok seriously, are you going to tell me that you haven’t done something like this? That you haven’t made mistakes? That you haven’t hurt another human being?)… remember the BIG RED BUTTON!
But there is one catch.
If you want the button to work its magic, you have to do something first.
You have to show up and be accountable for your actions. Simply own it. All of it. Yep. It’s yours.
For many people, this is the hardest part. The part that requires the most courage. It requires your inner warrior spirit. It requires your FIERCE Integrity (if you will).
But, once you have done that, truly owned what is yours, then it gets really simple. You get to hit that magic button. You get to RESET. To AWAKEN. When you do this, you will remember that the crazy person who showed up, the person who took over your life, shifted you into a fear-based world view and created chaos in your life, well that person ISN’T WHO YOU REALLY ARE!!!!
You and those around you will be transformed and returned to a state of Grace. What you perceived as darkness will be transmuted into its truest form: light.
Whew. That’s a relief isn’t it?
Now, back to my story. On Monday morning, I needed to hit that big red button four times before 9 am.
And truthfully, there have been days in my past (and likely more in my future) when I need to hit the damn thing 100 times before the sun finishes its journey through the sky. But it is oh so worth the effort that it takes to remember.
When I used this simple tool on myself on Monday morning, something amazing happened. My day started to shift and change. I started to change. The fog of shame started to morph into something else.
As I journeyed through my day with this awakened perspective, I started to notice that magical things were happening. Healing conversations. Heart-opening exchanges. Miracles.
And how could it not? I was awake again. Living my life from my heart centre. Living from my place of truth.